A Home Was Her Dream

2011'in Bendeki Fotografları / The Photos of Year 2011 in Me

2012-01-03T00:56:00.001+02:00

Bir arkadasim, 2011'in tum tanidiklari icin kotu bir yil oldugunu soyledi az once telefonda.

Benim arkadaslarimin hepsi icin boyle olmadi. Belki benim icin de.

2011'in en guzel haberleri aramiza yeni katilan bebeklerdi. Atlas, annesinin yıllardir hayal ettigi ismiyle Eylul'de, tanidigim en birbirine bagli ve izlemesi en eglenceli ciftin, beni hic yalniz birakmamis arkadaslarim Can ve Beril'in bebegi olarak dunyaya geldi. Beni en cok etkileyen henuz minicikken gecirdigi ameliyata ve dikislerine ragman kucagimda huzurla durusu oldu. Simdi hayata bol bol disetlerini gostererek guluyor.

Inci ve Serkan, Emre'nin gelisi ile anne-baba ve karı-koca oldular. Emre'nin hastane odasındaki kalabaligi ve o icten ailesi beni o gun cok etkilemisti.

Geldiklerine hala inanamıyorum. Onlar için ördüğüm hırkalara kısa zamanda sığmaz oldular.

Bir de hic gormedigim, uzaktan ilk kez varligini ogrendigimde sorumlulugunu hissettigim bir kız çocuğu var. Ona hırka dahi öremedim bu uzaktan ilişkide. Ama ismini hep sevdim.

Kayiplar, acilar ve hastaliklar da vardi sevdiklerimde. Eski erkek arkadasim en ait oldugu yakınlarını, onu buyuten annesi, dedesi ve anneannesini bir trafik kazasında kaybetti. Tıpkı uzaktan dunyaya gelisini takip ettigim bebek gibi, uzaktan veda ettim onlara, helallestim. Gecen hafta aldigim bir telefonla evine davet edildim artik ait olmadigim ailenin. Vefat eden annenin evinden bir hatira seçmek icin. Uzaklar ne yakın bazen.

Bu blogdaki ismi ile H, tanidigim en iyi evlat olarak, cok uzun bir suredir hastalıgiyla mucadele veren annesini hic ama hic birakmadi. 2011 de en etkilendigim resimlerden biri de onu annesiyle son gordugumde, 3 yasinda caresiz bir bebek gibi annesinin hasta ve yorgun bedenine arkadan sarilmis vaziyette hastane yatagindaki resmidir. Dualara inaniyorum ve sadece dua edebiliyorum "kucuk kardes" icin.

Saldirilar da oldu. 2011'in en sansayonel haberleri arkadasim Derya'nin hakli ciktigi ve karsi tarafin dolandiriciliktan 4 yil ceza yedigi durusma cikisinda, suclu ve guclu taraf yakinlari tarafindan saldiriya ugramis olmasi, eve gelince yolunan saclari dokulur korkusuyla olayin sokunu dus alarak bile uzerinden atamamasiydi. Bir de Hayrettin'in yabanci bir sehirde otel odasindan calinan esyalari var tabi.

Ben, bu yil, bir saldiriya ugramadim, ailemden agir bir hastalikla ilgilenmedim. Bu yildan geriye, bende bu sevgiyle orulu o incecik tul kalacak. Inceceik yontemlerle korundum, kollandim, sevildim.

Aklimdaki en güzel resimlerden biri doğumgunumden bir gun once bana kosmus hande, oguz, annem ve ablamla, hayatimda zorlanmis oldugum o cok zor yasin doğumgünü pastasiyla olan resmim ve bana getirdikleri o çok değisik ve özel hediye.

Hayatima bu yil rengarek, binbir dokuda ve desende kumaslar, kumaslar, kumaslar, fermuarlar girdi. Her hafta kosup yeni gelen mallara bakabilmek icin cumartesi gununu iple cektim. Cogu zaman kahvalti etmeden kosarak gittim. En sade ama en tatli keyfim isim bitince yedigim peynirli gozleme ve cay oldu. Bu keyfi beni ziyarete gelen dikis ilahem Joseffa ve tum sonbahar boyu her hafta biraraya gelip dikis diktigim Derya ile de paylasabildim ara sira. 5 yasindan beri hayalim dikis, bana yeni dostlar kazandirdi. 2011'in en sevdigim resimlerinden biri, halkegitimdeki dikis sinifimdaki ev hanimi ve emekli buyuk ablalarim ve dikis ogretmenime sarilmis oldugum, kursun son gunu bulustugumuz parktaki o fotograf. Emre bebegin ve Atlas'in tum dikis projeleri hala beklese de.. dikiş makinem, radyom, kedilerim ve ben cok mutluyduk geceleri.

60 yas ustu yepyeni ve beraberliklerinde bambaska bir dunyayi araladigim yeni arkadaslarim oldu gecen yil. Ilkokul arkadaşlarımı, çoğunu cismen hatırlamadan yeniden bulduğum bir yil. Ne farklilasmis hayatlarimiz.

Gecen Aralık ayında, Hayrettin'in bilet sponsorlugunda yilbasi gecesi Bahreyn yolculugundan dondugumde aklimdaki en son sey evde yeni bir kediydi. 2011'in en yumusacik ani, 2 aylik yavrunun, ben ucus yorgunlugu ile uzandigim yatagimda onunla ne yapacagimi dusunurken, yanima gelip gogsume dayanip annesinin gogsunden emer gibi havada ellerini yukari asagi iterken, tikali burnunun fisirtisiyla uyuyakaldigi o sahneydi. Pampus kisa surede kendini Thomas'a bile sevdirerek evimizin yeni bireyi oldu. 3'e karsi 1 yasamim cogunlukla komik yine de.. ara da.. eski ust kat komsumuzun zeytinyagi tenekesini yere devirmis yaramaz ogullarina bagirdigi gibi bagirirken buluyorum kendimi.

Bu yil benden hep duydugunuz isim Bob oldu. Yaptirimsiz, bagimsiz, zevkli, paylaşımım cok olduğu kisiydi Bob. Hayrettin onu tanımış olduğu ilk 24 saat icinde benimle paylaştığı için onu cok comert buluyorum. Hayatlarımızda hep bir sandalyede orada bir köşede duran, sanki orada yokmus da biz devamli tehdidiyle yasiyormusuz zannettigimiz gerceklere bakma cesareti konusunda bir ilham kaynagi oldu. 2011deki fotograflarimin cogu bu, gercegin tam gobeginde beraber cok gulup cok eglenebildigim renkli adamla oldu. Yazin ciplak ayaklarla ilk ondan dinledigim banjosu elinde, ya da beraber saz caldigi arkadaslariyla kışın onun ördüğü yün çoraplarımızla onu muzikte de buldum ve hayranlıkla dinledim. Yeni örgu dostlari da sundu bana Bob, ve elbette.. kendi kendime debelendigim Yunanca ile ilgili kocaman bir kapı açtı. Bir Karadeniz lokantasında karşılaştığımız Yunanlı dostumuz Nikos ile böylece tanıştık. Ve bu çok özenli mühendisin arkasindaki o grupla: Hava Baba sadece sali aksamlarimiz icin değil, Istanbul'a bakışım icin de cok guzel bir alternatif oldu. Bir kursa basladim ve sadece duydugum, anlamini bilemesem de birinden digerini ayirdetme zevkini yaşadığım Yunanca kelimelerim oldu. Simdilerde kıvrana kıvrana kurduğum yunanca cümlelerim.. Bir sevgiliden geri alinmis bir mülk gibi bu ulke ve dil benim icin. En zevkli resimlerden işte o cok sevdigim ilk yunanca sınıfımla girdigim sinavdan onceki kalbimde o sinav korkusu ve öğrenciliği yeniden tattığım sınıf arkadaslarımla beni birlestiren o güne ait resimler.

20 yildan uzun suredir görrmediğim şefkatli koynunu anneme benzettiğim Türkçe öğretmenimle yıllar sonra yeniden, yine bir dil bahanesiyle bulusuyor olduk. Hayattan ve herkesten uzak bir masaydi o her hafta bulustugumuz masa. Çok şeyi taşıdı, hayatlarımızdan. Ondan ve benden incecik iplerle baglanmis ağirligi taşıdı. Ayse Hocam bana o kendi lüksünü kendi yaratmış,kendine has dişiliğinde parmakları, ve özlediğim yüzükleriyle osmanlıca yazı çalıştırdı. Hala yazıyı tam olaraksökememiş olsam da bu işe bulaşmis olmak beni cok mutlu ediyor. Yunanca ve Osmanlıca yaşadığı sehrin derinlikleriymiş şimdi hissediyorum. Bol bol o kimsenin gormediği anlasılmaz eski tabelalarda taştan oyulmus yazıları okumaya çalışıyorum.

Thalassa.. yunancada sevdiğim kelimelerden biri. Denize gitmeğe cok hak gormemiş olduğum bu yılda, aslinda şimdiye dek hep çamaşır suyu gibi bulduğum "havuz" oldu güzel resimlerimden biri. Bir cok şifremi havuzlu yaptım bir sure. Havuzda bir gun, sarhoş bir gün, bir sabah bir gun.. Güzel ve hafif günler oldu çamasir suyuyla yıkanmış, sıradan günlerden, herkesten steril tutulmuş.

Grigoriy Myasoyedov - Congratulating Newly-Weds in Landowner's House

Belki annemin anlattığı gibi salaklıkla ve çok basit, belki yazılanlar gibi anlaşılamaz, güzel ve karmaşık, o şeffaf kanatlar geçti ben hazir olunca bedenimden. Hayat guzeldi.

Annem.. annem. Bu yıl en cok.. annem.

Bu yil malum, iş görüşmeleri ile sıkıntılı geçmiş gibi görünse de şimdi baktığımda bir daha fırsatını yakalayamayacağım, cok uzun zamandir gönlümden geçen yazi ile ilgili isleri de yapmis oldum. Buyuleyici bir kadinla tanistim bir is gorusmesinde. Bir yazar oldugunu bilmiyordum. Prensip sahibi ve onun kadar ilginc ortagi ile yaptigimiz gorusme sonucunda isleriyle ilgili tek kelime bilmememe ragmen beni ise aldilar. Bu macera 3 hafta kadar kisa sürdüyse de gördüğüm en ilginç ve sevimli is ortakligi kalacak aklimda. Bir de tabi o uçak hangarı ve hep yakınında olmak istediğim dev uçaklar.

Ama yine.. en çok... o kelimelerle nakşedilmis o güzel dünya: çeviri. Hele Bob'dan gelen o muzik albümleri ile ilgili nefis metinler

Nefis derken o universite ogrenciligimden beri tanıdığım eski/antika dukani Mamati'yi ve eglenceli mezatlardaki "delilik" dostluklarini unutmamam gerekir.

Hicbirseyle degil, universite 2'den beri kimseden para almamis, kendi hayatimi kendim finanse etmis olusumla gurur duyardim sessizce. Bir arkadasim bu duvari yikmak icin olmus olabilecegini soyluyor yasadiklarimin. Hakli olabilir. Ben kabul etmeyi ogrendim bu yil. Cuzdanıma gizli konmus paralari.

Bir de ortaokul arkadasim Pinar'in duyarlılık ve comertlikle benimle paylastigi ceviri ajanslari var tabi. Kİst tedavisi icin aldigim ilaclarin yarattigi migren agrilarinin golgesinde cogu zaman gozlerim zorlukla gorurken kelimlerden ordugum o dunyayi cok sevdim. Aklima simdi bir paragrafini Hayrettine sutladigim sabah yetiştirmem gereken o hukuk sözleşmesi geliyor gerçi ve ürperiyorum.

Geçen yil taşındigim annemlere ait evimi sıklıkla kendim temizledim. Baslarken sıkıcı ve isteksiz sonra muthis gurur ve zevk veren bir is bu.

Yilin son gunlerinde bir iş teklifi aldim ve ilk o en yakinimdakilerle paylasmadan once, annemi ve ablami aradim. Cok uzun zamandir bir mesafede birbirimizi üfleyerek yediğimiz ablamın telefondaki sevincinde, özledigim o eski "abla"mı buldum: benim icin ve hep orada ve benden buyuk yol gosterici. Çocukken annemin plaklarini gizlice dinleme sucunda cesaretlendirici lider kişilik, cocukluk hayatimi anlamaya çalışırken varlığımın diğer yarısıi

Bu yıl mutlulukla girdim yılbaşına.

Simdi geriye dönüp baktigimda dolu dolu, ne dolu bir yıl olmuş. Çoğu zaman sessiz gunlerimin sukunetinden anlamamisim.

Yeni öğrendigim harfleri eski yilin. Yüzlerce yıllık eski alfabelerin bende yeni harfleri . Hep orada duran gündelik kabul dolu sıradan hayat, bana ne yeni.

Love

2011-05-01T23:26:00.000+03:00

"Because the world is round it turns me on
Because the wind is high it blows my mind

Love is all, love is new
Love is all, love is you

Because the sky is blue, it makes me cry
Because the sky is blue. "

from Because by Beatles

Just came across the blog of two people in love.

I knew her as a "little sister" of a classmate" in my early 20s and there she was a collegue in my mid 30s. Elegant, moderate, graceful.. She became the image of model female in me. A charming young woman, no more a little sister.

I knew him as a manager at work. Serious, a hidden fun, creative, solid. He was very helpful, gave me generous advices in my next job. A bright young man.

He wrote on their first date " I am 14 years older. Do I really want a relationship again?.. What if I get hurt again?.."

I found in his words, Love that was mine once with my older lover.

Oh Love.. Love.. We inhabit you. We are you. We were you and we will be you.

Oh Love, I will be you again.

But for now they are Love. So inspiring, so bright, so fearful, so right.

A Dream Within A Dream

2011-02-10T23:47:00.000+02:00

"Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

..."

From A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Alan POE

A Baby Sleep and Don Quichotte

2011-02-09T01:00:00.000+02:00

It was a very hard day for me in the middle of which I felt like Don Quichotte (which means: nuts, making a battle in every corner with the unseen enemy, ashamed of her own reactions).

But then the sleep and the trust of the new baby cat helped me to think back about serenity and confort.

I have been working hard to be able to cook in the new kitchen. Today my new home smelled baking börek in the owen.

A special day where at the end of 4 months, I could cook at home.

Many New(s)

2011-02-08T00:57:00.001+02:00

I have been quiete for a long while.

1- Me and the cats, we moved to my parents basement flat in October. It took me months to find back the beautiful light on a photo taken.

2- I have started to go to sewing classes. I knew NOTHING about sewing but I sew a skirt on my first lesson and my second project is a coat (!)

3- This is our new family member, our baby chinchilla cat that Thomas acts like a leopard with and roars most of the time.

4- I dated with my primary school friend. All I remembered from those times, was that he was the only one who wanted to become an astraunot like me and that I liked him. It is good to be given the chance to go back and to see although it does not last long, it was a beautiful fly to try.

5- I had a chance to visit Arabia again with the precious company of my new knitting friend Bob.

It is good to feel your feet at the end of all the roads.

New Moon

2010-07-12T02:10:00.001+03:00

The new moon tonight is told to symbolise "our feelings of Home, safety, our conditionings from childhood, our capability of intimacy. I reread this now in the colorful and lovely banualagoz.blogspot.com as I entered home and plugged in my computer.

I was late for the class(I was there towards the end) but did not miss at least, Banu's special New Moon course of Kundalini Yoga. The affection and the light of Banu embelished the evening. The united force of the participants was heard, their souls together formed this undescribable magnetic field. In my belated first kundalini yoga class, I was between mockery, maze, awe, admiration, peace, purification and lately tears when it came to pour the water behind and receive the new waters of the river.

Two days ago, I decided to stop playing the music I was bored with, embrace my lesson and get ready for the new day and hear the new songs played.

This afternoon, I met Leyla in my sister's new restaurant and was amazed by her energy. Especially her unexpected way of grabbing people passing by. Her energy to catch "now" and her pleasure of tasting the fusillini pasta.

The yoga class ended singing all together May the Long Time Sun; once for the ones we were leaving behind(tears), once for our "now" and third and last one for our wishes:

"May the long time Sun shine upon you,

All love surround you

And the pure light within you

Guide your way home."

And I have to leave you behind, you that I wrote posts for, in the hope of creating a body of this absence.

May the pure light within you, guide your way home, because I couldn't.

I have a new day tomorrow. As blue as Leyla's eyes.

And I have my arms. My healthy arms.

Reading Wars of Alexander in Peace, at Home

2010-07-10T17:04:00.000+03:00

Yesterday, I turned off the tv for awhile. I took my books of world history from my library and had a beautiful time reading the Hellenistic wars of Alexander and Persian and had to have some greek coffee.

This afternoon I went on with my reading upstairs in the bed with the company of Thomas and Chocolate.

I enjoyed the peace in our home while reading about the wars in human history.

The way to read, I copied it from a writer I always felt near: Montaigne. His reading is wondering between his books, with no worries and obligation. It is a pure bliss.

If you are as null as I am in history you may be interested in my books:

1- A Little History of the World by Ernst GOMBRICH which I love because it is written for young readers and is the opposite of boring

2- Toute L'Histoire du Monde by Jean Claude BARREAU that enchants you and grabs you from your world and tells a lot about the world history giving the consequences of the story told iin an easy style, as if chatting with a friend.

3- The Old Testament, the reading of which has always been like listening to a piece of Bach.

4- A World History by William H. Mc NEILL.

Hallelujah

2010-07-08T02:56:00.001+03:00

(Photos courtesy of Banu since I was busy doing other things)

J'ai atrrapé le bouquet - I caught the (bucket :))

Alors on danse ! - So we dance !

with fave dancing shoes on

~ FIN ~

Alors On Danse - So We Dance

2010-07-07T17:35:00.001+03:00

Tonight is the wedding night of O.
I decided about my dress and very dancing shoes for the party listening to my favorite party song this year: Alors On Danse from Stomae (Sorry for not being able to attach he video but still you can click here and listen to my song and dance)

I thought of checking the lyrics in the internet and I got even more connected to the song in the morning of today where I will escape from my mundane troubles of home by dancing. Here is my very amateur translation:

Who says study, says work / Qui dit etude, dit travail,
(N/A)Qui dit taf te dit les thunes,

Who says money, says expanses /Qui dit argent dit dépenses,
Who says credit, says beliefs /Qui dit crédit dit créance,
Who says debt, says usher /Qui dit dette te dit huissier,
Yes, says sitting in shit /Oui dit assis dans la merde.
Who says Love, says kids /Qui dit Amour dit les gosses,

Say allways, and say divorce /Dit toujours et dit divorce.
Who says relatives says the grief 'cause problems don't come alone /Qui dit proches te dis deuils car les problèmes ne viennent pas seul.
Who says crisis, says famine, says the one third of the earth /Qui dit crise te dis monde dit famine dit tiers- monde.
Who says fatigue says wake up still deaf from the eve /Qui dit fatigue dit réveille encore sourd de la veille,
Then one goes out to forget about all troubles /Alors on sort pour oublier tous les problèmes.
Then one dances /Alors on danse… (X9)

And there you say that it is over 'cause worse than this would be dying /Et la tu t'dis que c'est fini car pire que ça ce serait la mort.
When you finally think that you managed it, then there is more /Qu'en tu crois enfin que tu t'en sors quand y en a plus et ben y en a encore!
.. /Ecstasy dis problème les problèmes ou bien la musique.
.. /Ca t'prends les trips ca te prends la tête et puis tu prie pour que ça s'arrête.
But this is your body, it is not the skies, then you shut your ears /Mais c'est ton corps c’est pas le ciel alors tu t’bouche plus les oreilles.
And then you scream even louder and it persists /Et là tu cries encore plus fort et ca persiste...
Then you sing /Alors on chante

Bridal Farewell

2010-07-06T23:59:00.002+03:00

We think leaving the tradition behind and live as if life came on earth with our existence only, such a unique experience for each. However I always tought that the rituals of old tradition with our own lives touch are always gathering and fun and nice to have activities. I love the cuteness and the eternal nature of them.

I have posted about hena night before here. On O's hena night, there was something more : a moving bridal farewell poem by her mother written right after her last belongings were sent to her new home, remembering the tiny hands of her baby-girl , now the bride-to-be.

"...My dearest baby, my little lamb with hena
While you are starting a new home and a new life
I request our God to help you
May your be full of sunshine, your heart filled with joy.."

A Bridal Farewell is traditionally cited by the bride's mother on hena night wishing her the best in her new home.

Here is a photo of the single ladies of the party in their costumes, just before escorting the bride-to-be to the hena ceremony singing the old traditional hena song.

"Don't let them build homes on high hills
Don't let them send their daughter's away to far countries
I wish that my father would have a horse and ride here to come to me
That my mother would have a boat, sail here and come
That my siblings would know the way and come
Let the birds that fly know it
I missed my mother
I missed both mother and father
I missed my town"

Bridal Bath

2010-07-05T23:17:00.001+03:00

Mom and I are invited for the bridal bath of O (you may know from my last year's post where you may have learned about her marriage proposal)

Bridal Baths (Gelin Hamamı) is an old ottoman tradition of the gathering of the ladies of the families of both the bride and the groom in a turkish bath(hamam) to get the bride-to-be ready for their wedding day.

It is a ladies party all wrapped up in colorful peshtamals(traditional thin towels made by hand wowen looms).

Although we were late and missed the dancing in the center of the steamy bath, we could catch up for the rest of fun and the relaxing steamy bath.

My first experience with a turkish bath has been such a inaginable wellness. The hot tab and the cold one runs into a sink without an output and you sit there by the sink and exfoliate, wash your body by pouring water with the metal bowl next to the sink.

That was a wonderful day with the thankful presence of childhood friends and mom and lots of steam.

and thoughtful presents of handmade soaps, peshtemals and exfoliators.

Being Thomas

2010-07-02T17:56:00.007+03:00

Thomas.. Anyone that has visited our home so far would understand why this post is dedicated to him.

Not many people understood why I was living with Thomas.

And one day my cousin, who has just got divorced, opened up to me, saying "you know how I am now, I am exactly like Thomas". Until that day, I didn't hear anyone who was feeling the same way I was for my pink eared wild cat.

When I was asked how many pets did I have, I used to answer: "I have a cat.. and there is the cat of my cat(meaning Thomas)". He was so wild that when they moved here in this appartment with me, Thomas did not let me touch him, not even let me get near for at least 8 months . He would hiss.

It was funny, I was feeding him and was yet quite scared of him at nights when I was alone with him. It was a matter of guts to leave the bedroom's door open when I was going to sleep.

I must even confess that there has been times when I was hoping that he would get lost or fall down so that I would get rid of him in a way I wouldn't do anything wrong against him.

Even as a kitten he was fierce (click here to see the video), I was unable to feed him with its kitten bottle, since my hands were scratched so badly, by reflex I wasn't able to hold its tiny body in my hand.

Before we saw him, we heard him. It was the voice of some weeks old kitten. He cried for 2 complete days, constantly. His mother never showed up. He was left to die.

Our siamese cat Chocolate insisted on having the kitten inside, coming and going to the kitchen door to him, begging for something from us. So Thomas was taken in not only to be cured but was supported because he was the friend of our friend Chocolate, our soulful siamese cat.

Thomas had his name from a swiss journalist I knew, looking exactly like him when he was a litttle kitten. We couldn't warm him up nor heal him despite the efforts of the vet. The thing that saved him has been Chocolate.

So Thom learned everything through Chocolate, and thus he needed so less even nothing from us. So, he was never tamed.

When visitors would come he would get lost. It took him long to show up in my presence even.

In years, he learned to get near. He would meow, restlessly, would yearn for that touch but was terrified by any attempt.

Thomas has been the perfect picture for me how scary we are when we are scared of nearness and trust and how we would hurt the hands coming to us. How many had I torn till I surrendered in love?

A wise man told me once that trust is a link that has to be started by one taking the risk. So there were times where I took the risk by letting him smell my hands, put my face near to his.

Today Thomas has still his caves at our home, his favorite spots away.

There are mornings where I wake up and find him awake, just some centimeters from my nose, staring at me, probably while I am sleeping.

I love him.

..Missing his glance when I am out.

Love him even more when in any condition he would run to come to me when he is called or when my chest gets wet from dribbles from his mouth when I cudddle him.

It took long, it took work and unconditional giving for those dribbles of pure trust.

My Home as a Tupperware Catalog

2010-07-02T02:00:00.001+03:00

I lately found the winter 2008-2009 catalog at home while organising to get ready for the moving. And I remember the day I received it and how magical it felt to see that it was as if Tupperware published my home that season. This absolute feeling of completeness is called happiness.

We buy products looking at some photos, commercials, catalogs, envying that life in there, that home. And we want, we want to have these people, be these people, have these products, the decoration in the pictures, that life which are there for the photo shoots ad commercials and soon to be demounted.

What if the life you mounted, your home appears to be what those catalog tried to capture?

What if when you loose it?

What if when you find your self able to mount many lives, many beautiful homes out of yourself?

What if all catalogs vanish?

What if you are robust but not necessarily complete all the time?

This is the way I feel today. And this is what this blog has been the log, the story of this humble achievement.

Pieces of Me

2010-06-18T00:11:00.000+03:00

On a very angry morning at men,I condemned my self to the streets of Beyoglu as probably all women with the same condition did in its history.

It was quite early and deserted hours for Istiklal and seing the entry of the new Botero exhibition I was very curious about, I jumped in.

And found pieces of me..

and of even Thomas unexpectedly.

Isn't this what a piece of art about, to find pieces of you in the pieces of art in a divine peace and to heal.

So I spent more than an hour healing, looking at more than 60 paintings and a documentary about my new, dear Fernando and taking pictures for this post.

The day ended in peace, in the streets with street music,

and a good turkish coffee watching the passangers

A Good Plan, A Good Friend and A Good Dog

2010-06-14T22:49:00.002+03:00

How it feels good to get this expected call this morning to go to the beach. Aviko, a good friend, made this great plan last week and -God knows- I loved him even more for this.

So we left, waving the busy city for a calm beach in Sile, the sieastas wrapped in towels, the reading, the beach sandwiches and the sea I was yearning for lately.

Whether it was the christianity that made Aviko and sister Annie, those good hearts that they are or their different history I always asked my self in time. Empathy, generousity, forgiving and being there for others on blue days.

I woke up from a beautiful nap feeling a touch on my elbow leaning towards my beach bag. Annie said that it was that big street dog that roams around people on the beach, looking probably for my wrapped up remaining sandwich. I first thought it was scary. Aviko raising his head from his book said "it is a nice dog and and a very hungry dog as well". I remarked its bones on his chest. It was a good looking dog with bright fur.It didn't take long to farewell my sandwich and going near him always with my recent ridiculous cynophobia.

Aviko was right not only it devoured half of my cheese sandwich, he jumped to the next offers of food from others.

It was happy, one could say from his tail. One, could also say that although he was done with all drinking and eating process, it chose to stay with people: it was tamed.

He then did something very remarkable: he sat by a young couple, the way my cats do in my living room like a sphinx. The unique way that told me it once knew home, trust and confort. My heart ached for it. A home was its dream. Sitting there with the piercing of the vaccination given to street animals by the municipality.

These thoughts belated me to jump to my camera, and my heart so vivid in my chest, warm, wet, sticky and from flesh and blood again.

The way the good dog was sitting illusioned and happy.

Oh Belonging..

Asking Someone's Daughter for a New Home

2010-06-13T11:03:00.003+03:00

H, between all medical struggles with mum, had a merry decision. And very H'ly, she shared equally all the good times and rainbows as the heavy days we went through : I was insisted in being present in her "daughter-asking" ceremony!

As the very famous characther of my blog, she authorised her blurred photos to be here.

In where we live, the still living tradition involves the man that decides to get married with your daughter, to visit your home with his extended family to ask for your daughter's hand... "by the order of God and by the agreement of the prophet" the famous cue says.

The ceremony involves : turkish coffee serving. By the bride-to-be. Cups of it. Loads of it.

I enjoyed being a part of my rainbow girl's family on this very special occasion and taking pictures.

My H, she is uniquly able to be the beautiful rainbow even on the most grey days, with her colours, so unique and rich.

Deniz Was Here

2010-06-10T00:59:00.000+03:00

The breakfast table was waiting for Deniz.

F and I, cousins, we were introduced to each other only 2 years ago, through our grand-aunt. So bizarre that we never met before although she studied at my brother's school and her sister at mine around same years.

Anyways, lately but still luckily we became friends and "nice surprise cousins" although she lives abroad.

Last year we organised a family gathering at my home, on F's arrival to Istanbul with her new-born Deniz.

And today they were back.

Chocolate and Deniz became very found to each other and D's tiny index finger was touching Chocolate's nostrils iside his ears to which it was ok with even happy of its new friend's existence.

I liked the particular way they were so gentle to each other.

Thomas though, dared to come downstairs only at his nap time, and I had the impression he was watching him over while he was sleeping defenseless.

We had a peaceful rainy day in together.

and were sure to miss this extraordinary kindness and friendship even at the moment of goodbyes.

The Cut, The Pain and The Words After

2010-06-07T23:24:00.074+03:00

When the girls came to celebrate my new appartment last year, Rice was not yet able to speak. I love this picture I took then, at a hot late august day in 2008, Rice playing with my mess among the boxes.

Today I dressed a breakfast-picnic table in the garden for us.

It still surprises me to see my excitement when they arrive to my home. Rice was looking so sweet with her curly poney tails. She was as exciteted as I am. Until.. she cut her little finger with my special kids cuttlery's bunny knife.

Seing the blood she cried.. cried.. cried..

She was consolated that it will be ok and she will not feel the hurt soon.

She kept on crying saying it was not ok, not yet

It was a upset time for her. So she didn't allow me for a photo. But I can tell about her beutifully brushed hair, her cheeks innounded with tears, her eyes downwards and contracted by the plain truth of the pain, head backwards busy producing tears.

As she said " it is not ok, not yet", I saw some "me" in her.

So, I am sending a photo of her and her beloved little finger from the day of their first visit to my home.

I find there, this "some me" as well as the not so grown-up Rice then

And her words defying the consolation, her way to live the pain made me so close to her.

Packing Up - Decompositioning

2010-05-28T10:44:00.003+03:00

Last weekend at my parents, the doorbell rang, I answered since dad was sleeping. The tenants declared that he was not doing well financially and that he had to leave my parents basement. When I told him about the crisis in my life, he was more open to say that the preesure on him caused a nause bleeding that day. We were in the same boat.
My parents offered me the flat that would be emptied soon.

Although I was not totally decided about the move, I decided that packing up a little might be a good idea.

I have been thinking that the pressure of keeping this home has been here for a year now. And I was so pverwhelmed that at one point I thought moving will not only be financial relief but at the same time could be a fresh start. Just like my friend Ali said, I could always make a better one.

While wrapping, piece by piece, slowly and calmly, I realised, packing up has its own serenity.. where every packing up is a decomposition.. of not only your belongings.. but of your entire life.

Wrapping each glasses brought me back to times that I was dreaming of my own place, on how it would be.I have bought every piece of this home at my parents and kept them in boxes and waited for my time to come.

Touching each glasses, was touching a part of my self in the past, my dreams then. And in order to move, one has to move on, look forward, make new dreams, treasures hundreds of "glasses" out of his Glass Menagerie" *.

...............................

The best thing about being with my felline friends Thomas and Chocolate, is not missing any occasion to "play", have fun and enjoy each moment from their perspective.

* The Glass Menagerie is the so real and so beautiful story of a girl like me written by Tenessee Williams.

Enjoy the reading and think of my glass menagerie that I learned to pack up today.

Summer Afternoons Are Here

2010-05-13T18:36:00.000+03:00

And my first cherry tomatoes are promising..

Semolina Helva for Good Bored Souls

2010-05-13T14:35:00.007+03:00

I had to try my first semolina helva, I felt like doing it. I looked for some pretext to cook it. Very often, helva is cooked when someone is dead or on the years that follow, on the very same day, as remembrance, we "cook a helva to his soul" and share it and those who eat, prays for the remembered person's soul.

I thought of my grand mothers but they passed away in cold seasons and not in a blooming May.

So I cooked it for my own soul I guess. My very bored soul lately and I made a wish-best remedy for bored souls.

I brought one plate to my neighbour that shared her mother's village fresh eggs, one plate for my next door neighbour- Dunya's mother and a large plate for our gardener and security guys.

And guess what I have received today: the most beautiful rose I have ever been offered. I took a picture of my first helva and the beautiful rose from the gardener.

Here I am giving the recipe of Irmik Hel vasi- Semolina Helva with some added cheese the way our neighbour Nevin Teyze used to make at my childhood.

Semolina Helva Recipe

semolina, 1,5 cups

olive oil, 1/2 cup

butter, 1/2 tablespoon

cinnamon, 1/4 teaspoon grounded

cloves, 3-4 grounded

sugar, 1 cup

milk, 2 cups

pinenuts, 1 tablespoon or more

any unsalty fresh cheese like ricotta, 150 gr (I used turkish lor cheese)

1-Roast the semolina and pinenuts

2- Add the boiling milk and sugar

3- Add the olive oil and stir constantly until the semolina absorbs all the liquid.

4- Add the cheese and stir for 2 more minutes

5- Add the spices and butter

6- Take a deep braeth close your eyes

7- Pray for my soul and my wish to come true (every little helps, I need it ! :)

8- Mold and serve

PS(Same Day at around 20:30): Dunya has just told my name today for the first time after having "aunt berfin's cake". His mother says he wanted to have it all. I am sure he will be praying soon :)

Don't You Have Time To Think? *

2010-05-10T03:13:00.009+03:00

Don't you have time to think? I have had more than I should lately.

And the spark came yesterday as I was capturing the moments of the graduates' day of Sainte Pulcherie High, my secondary school then.

It was only ten years ago on my way back home from the hospital where I left my sister struggling with the sudden deadly disease, it was only then that I realised that the school yard was much smaller than I remembered.

But those doors always welcomed me.

My registry to this old girl's school was an honouring family "thing" and we were all so excited that summer of 1983 for my first day at school in September.

My parents were so proud of my efforts I gave to success in the exam .

The second thing I knew after the name of my secondary school was the "spotless cleanness" of the white marble stairs admired by my mother. But my favorite place have been the whitest loos with tall windows looking at the dirty backstreets we were never allowed to stroll. There were only ladies at that time and I was wondering which loo the unique male at school have to use, our professor of religion, distinctive wiith his very manly voice in the official ceremonies when he had to accompany our weak voices for the national anthem.

My school has been a temple to me not only beacause it had a chapel inside or 4 old nons waiting to put us in order in the early mornings at those white marble stairs.

School was better than home where somehow in this small building from the 19th century, I felt safer than at home and able to look at any truth enlightened and armed with what was there in those old books.

And when my last day at school came at my graduation year, I felt as clueless and orphelin as a child, out of the arms of her mother and life seemed so crowded as the dirty back streets from the window.

And some things have changed.

While some remained the same

Like some strict rules and our oak tree in the yard I noticed, as my friends were busy chatting about their actual lives.

I was more into leaning back and watching.

I stayed there up in the stairs contemplating our oak tree and the diverse population dancing down below. Although pruned too much, less green with less leaves, to me it looked like the sacred tree of life with young and younger lives that it went through.

And I was there watching until my old professor came up and asked what I was doing there. We were her first students. She told me she celebrated her 25th year in this school last year. She got married in time and had two sons, one 23 the other 17 years old now. We walked downstairs together as we talked. She introduced me to her new collegues and young graduate students.

The night was falling. I remained there watching each and every movement of the younger crowd dancing under the oak tree. I was surprised to see their lips synchronised with the lyrics of those new songs they sang heartfelt and together. Those songs I must have heard, somehow, somewhere, everywhere but never noticed the lyrics

Where did I leave learning the lyrics of the silly funny songs? When did we stop dancing together like them? When was I left alone? Were my friends too busy being parents and all ? What was taking me from joining them now singing and dancing? Why wasn't I on the dance floor?

Neither courage nor strength were the answers. The only reason was "this time I gave to think" about these questions and the quest for the answers.

I realised that two young girls were insisting on something in the big party noise to the new professor I was just introduced to. I asked him almost shouting to be heard:

- Qu'est-ce qu'elles veulent? (What do they want?)

- Danser. (To dance) he answered promptly.

He didn't join them, remained there watching.

He might have had this time to think.

This time out of time.

I did my best. It took some wine and some more time there watching and I invited, through the end of the party, the new school master which turned out to be a nice gentleman and a good dancer.

We exchanged smiles with the young professor.

The moment I felt standing there like our oak tree, felt pruned too much with less leaves, I left the party ,when the music was ended and the boys were gathering the equipment.

* "Don't You Have Time To Think?" is the sweet autobiographical book of the bright physicist Richard FEYNMAN

Doorstep - Letting In

2010-04-13T18:43:00.000+03:00

The reason I was not writing since my birthday post is very understandable: I lost my job again.
When my boss told me the company is not doing well at all and they can not afford my salary that was ok, but when I heard the words "we have to close this position" that, that seemed like a joke.
It will feel as unreal to you if you would read my previous post.
Well, nothing to do. I gathered my belongings and rushed home to join H that learned about the cancer diagnosis of her mother.

All these words, what do they have to do with a doorstep?
Well it was in that awful rainy weather that I returned home in a hurry with all those bags full of my office stuff, in the doorstep of the building sitting there looking for my keys in all that clutter that from my back I heard this voice for me: "what is that does not exist in a woman's bag?". I turned, this was the waterguy, smiling with his limpid blue eyes. I wiped my cheeks and avoiding my face I said " oh, yes, what is it?", he replied "order!" and laughed.
I knew him from before. His name was Mesut which meant "happy" but somehow I saw the deep sorrow in his immense blue eyes before.
It was only in the lift that he learned about my day. He was sorry to hear. He said that he has blue days as well and that the ones we love are the ones that hurt the more. He told me about how he overcomes bad days like these, with his glass of red wine going to his favorite hill or with her 3 years old daughter.

He was polite and said he had to leave for new orders and left with his warm words. I was sweeping my tears.

I went to the shower to leave soon for H. Best thing is to cry in the shower when you don't know what to do now and you are sort of collapsed.
The door rang, I wondered who it was.
It was him.. with a bar of chocolate and a bunch of water bottles in his other hand.
I hugged. And thanked.
...
The days that followed, I was busy but I had a plan.
But I could not contact him since he was not working for my water company I realised.
It was only after second time where I had this magnet of another water company that dropped when I opened my door of my 2 cat populated home, that I realised it was him and he was trying to contact me as well.
The photo above is taken this morning, my very human touch, M and my cat and my new water bottle.
He was surprised for gift package for his daughter and the small note I wrote for him as well as a letter of appreciation to his company where I explained the reason why I converted to their water.
After I told him my part of the story after he left, he told me his.
The day afte he left, he had a terrible car accident where people were surprised that he survived.
In his hospital room, he saw a dream where he wakes up and sees me as a nurse, my smile and a bar of chocolate that I hand to him saying "this chocolate will make you feel better and ease your pain."
What a beautiful story to write back to you..
What a life..
Such a healing of strangers, in a doorstep.
Where indoors, it is the ones that we love the most, that hurt the most

A Very Happy Birthday

2010-03-08T16:32:00.000+02:00

The night before my birthday, somebody knocked on my kitchen window, some gigles and then the candle lights on a delicious cake. Can there be a better surprise?

So we paused as my favorite chilren's book series heroin Aysegül (Debbie in English, Martine in French) by Marcel Marlier and Gilbert Delahaye which made me believe in such a beautiful world.

The morning after which was my birth-day, we all agreed to go out for a modest breakfast in the junction of the Black Sea and the Bosphorus that you can see behind H on the photo.

Although we born as "one" and we die as "one", we need our happy crowd along the way.

Laughed loud, ate all well and paused for the occasion.

Aren't birthdays about this happy crowd in life?

The night when I was going back to my bed, I realised I felt so happy and safe like our little hazelnut in her mom's arms.

I remembered my birthday last year, not a cheerful one at all. As an abondoned amusement park in winter.

Having lost my job with 260 employees in the company due to the crisis, friends and family came in but there was a silent sadness in the air as the boyfriend didn't show up, neither called. A birthday of sudden losses.

We own so much to our happy crowds. we must never stop being grateful about them.

Making A Home, So Far Away from Home

2010-03-01T00:14:00.002+02:00

I have joined to sis' friends to be together for a special sunday breakfast in Polonezköy in the occasion of a good friend 's birthday

Polonezköy is in the countryside in the very north of Istanbul

ut what makes Polonezköy so special and so different than the texture of Istanbul is not only the greenery,

The history of the village is quite interestng. It was built as an emigration center to Polish in 1842. So far away from home..

Hence the name Polonezköy which means Polish Village in Turkish.

"At the beginning, the village was inhabited by 12 people, but there were no more than 220 people when the village was most populated. In the course of time, Adampol developed and was flooded by a lot of emigrants from the rebellion in November 1830, during the Crimean War in 1853, and by runaways from Siberia and from captivity in Czerkieska. The first inhabitants busied themselves with agriculture, raising and forestry. After Polish independence in 1918, many returned to Poland. Before World War II, the first tourists already began to arrive to the village. The remaining inhabitants of Adampol (Polonezköy) took Turkish citizenship in 1938."

Still the inhabitants speak the Polish language and the signs are both in Turkish and Polish

Today Polonezköy is an excellent escape for Istanbullers like us on weekends.

The spring, the unaging spring is already here. I enjoyed my short walks to take photos and caught up the birthday wishes at the end of their long wee session.

The 100th Post - Biography of A Home

2010-02-27T22:28:00.002+02:00

This is my 100th post.
I have published 99 before.

I had a lot to say and I still have more.

In order to tell something, one has to have phrases. What makes us build phrases? What makes us share them here?

I worked so much on this post but I can not express my self as do not know how much shall I let myself say?

I can not say.
But at least I can share some photos here.

I first started a blog two years ago on 27th of February 2008 in my mother tongue Turkish but even the first post made me realise how far I was from my dream home.

In April 2008 there was a visit to the wish-hill where we climbed thinking about our wishes and did not speak to each other.

The wish hill seemed to work out miraculously..

I remember the first day I visited this apartment

I came from the office in a lunch break, I was so sleepless, so in love, that I secretly, desperately fell asleep on the bed. I could not believe I could afford it. Then my officemate H loved the appartment and convinced me to try.

So I moved in.

Head over heels..

A story I am not able to tell. There is a hole in me that I can not put to words.

On Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T23:45:00.010+02:00

I caught this insant this morning after leaving mom's.

"oh those women I loved, they were not there anyway

they were wearing rain as the autumn
if I were to cuddle a bit, they’d turn to be kids
if I were to leave, their eyes froggy by the fear
oh those women I loved, they were not there anyway
such a loving has not been lived

no, do not think that they stopped thinking about me
still now and then their letters get here
they were not real they were hopes each
an old song or may be a verse
oh those women I loved, they were not there anyway
such a loving has not been lived

they held my hands in my solitude
their whisper far away makes me shiver
as if they were clouds in the sky
who knows where did they fade away
oh those women I loved, they were not there anyway
Such a loving has not been lived

Atilla ILHAN
Ben Ne Kadınlar Sevdim
through my broken translation"

As for me, I have been very loyal to my very loyal lover.

From weeks ahead, I had already bought my self a lovely present and a ticket to Alle Anderen movie in the festival which I strongly recommend as I really liked this evening as a perfect deep and fun way to mull over the loving process and the reflections on the relationship.

After the movie, I treated my self with a beatiful dinner and a glass of vine in my nice restaurant.

Hope your Valentine Days are all good as mine.

I smell Lolita Lempicka.. from the gift box.

Good night.. sleep tight

Today Istanbul

2010-02-13T20:35:00.004+02:00

I have been under the spell of Istanbul's sunset and chat with starngers and took photos near Kabatas. The best photos I have taken, I believe are the ones of those strangers that I will send to their email address that I was given and not quite have the right to publish.

If isolated from the chat with strangers,

Kabatas is ferries and rush

And keep in mind, ferries mean seagulls

Always..

Kabatas is this unique beautiful break in the sunset by the clock tower of Dolmabahce Palace

Kabatas is the parliament blue and the gold

colors of the enlightening on monuments in the evening sky

Kabatas means my decent meatball guy Hasan in his colorful workbench

Out of home as I read the last pages of the nice book of Aret VARTANYAN: A Breath of Istanbul

An Empty Nest

2010-02-07T22:53:00.005+02:00

Yesterday, on my way to the farmers market, I fell on my head and back quite brutally , on the stony asphalte, at the icy end of a slope. Not only the physical pain of my head but I felt so ashamed as tha cars stopped to the incident. And sweeping my tears from my cheeks I realised I suddenly felt so uniquely alone and felt the urge to shed more tears.

I felt as if being alone is "fearful in an offending way / Sometimes one gets exhausted of living captive on a blade". This how I felt it just the way Atilla ILHAN describes "loving" in one of his very well-known poems*.

Now and then I am asking myself, although my home is blessed with friends, with dreams came true, joy and love like my cats jumping each other, is there an empty nest inside of me? Is it an obligation?

Does purification bring isolation?

The back of my head and my neck hurts still, but not these thoughts anymore as I am putting them down here.

* - I AM OBLIGED TO YOU

I am obliged to you, you can not know
Like a nail this is how I am keeping your name in my head
Your eyes get bigger and bigger
I am obliged to you, you can not know
I am warming up inside with you

The trees getting ready for the fall
Is this city, that old Istanbul?
The clouds shredded in the darkness
The street lights are on all in a sudden
The smell of the rain on the sidewalks
I am obliged to you, you are missing out

Loving is sometimes fearful in an offending way
One gets exhausted suddenly, on a late afternoon
Of living captive on a blade
Sometimes
His passion breaks his hands
Makes out many lives from his living
Whichever door he knocks sometimes
The sneaky whirling of loneliness at his back

A gramaphone is on in Fatih
Plays a Cuma from the old times
I wish I could listen at the corner perpetually
If only I could bring you an unused sky
The weeks crumble in my hands
Whatever I do, whatever I hold, wherever I go
I am obliged to you, you are missing out

Maybe you are the child in blue dots
Oh noone knows, noone knows you
A cargo vessel oozes away in your deserted eyes
Maybe you are taking a flight in Yesilkoy
You are soaked, you have goose pumps
May be you're blind, you're broken
The evil wind hurls your hair

Whenever I think of a living,
May be hard around this table of volves
Without a shame, without getting our hands dirty
Whenever I think of a living
I say shush and I begin with your name
Your secret seas moves inside me
No, there is no other way
I am obliged to you, you can not know

Atila ILHAN
Ben Sana Mecburum
through my modest translation

Home : A Shelter Under the Snow

2010-01-27T23:17:00.006+02:00

in the loving memory of A. Kuruc

Well it snowed, snowed, snowed..

We had to stay in. For days..

drank a little..

ate a little

were bored a little

starwarsed a little

and laughed a lot..

This snow break..we lived it so well.

A Home Was His Dream

2010-01-22T00:10:00.004+02:00

We met up.

He called. At the end of a long silence, he did, he called. After I met him by coincidence in the street in Greece with a young girl. After by the same chain of coincidence we returned back in the same bus, me, him and this new girl, it was a week after....

She came up.

She was sparkling.

She .. was amazed. That big smile on her face.. She couldn't eat the fajitas I so studiously prepared for her. She couldn't do much, but told me about last night.

She has liked him for years. She trusted him for months as a buddy. She worked with him in two different companies.

And then last night..

It was hot. It was August.

He was married.

He never called her and that shock of seing him with another in Greece.

Photo courtesy of i-gunler.com

So we met up in the January cold.

He was busy with the relocation and settling down after divorce. Messy as usual. This neat figure. He chose the vegetarian restaurant in the Cookie Street Zencefil where we had a nice evening, a good dinner and a sincere chat.

He was the pratogonist I told, like those ones in Hemingway novels: cool, good but unsuffiently heroic, somehow egoist, the other end of interventionist. And I was the narrator. He was just passing by my window .

He frequented many while keeping her wife's abandon secret.

He frequented many and my friend's sparkling eyes must have been among many. Just among others.

And now he was left by one.

His eyes were emptied this time, in the vast plains of not knowing what to do.

I listened.

My pratogonist was crawling and trying to find the answers. He was lost.

I asked him to leave the names and the complexity of so many concurrent relationships. I asked him to answer me about what he would like to do.

The surprise of his answer reminded me it was a life and not a novel:

"A home" he said, "I wanted a home, build my own family".

My heart melted, leaving the advocacy of my pure sparkling eyes girl friend that was betrayed by his absence and his adventure in Greece.

My heart melted.

My hands that moved to hold his, froze on their way. I couldn't get that close to him,

I didn't dare.. to touch the wounded beast.

Leaving Like Snow

2010-01-21T12:44:00.005+02:00

As I was walking to the bus stop this morning, I noticed that all the snow from yesterday disappeared. I mean the trees were not white anymore. But one could say it snowed yesterday. Something in the air..

Lately my dearest cousin Toygar, Oya and Jane from Posy, lived loss of people dear. My mind was busy finding them the words. When it is gone, the loss.. "fire burns where it falls" as they say. Empathy can not give more than confort but I wanted to find this "something new" to them. I thought of the things that leave like the snow of yesterday, pure, more and bright.
I searched the original poem of the turkish song.. "Dünle beraber gitti cancağızım, ne kadar söz varsa düne ait, şimdi yeni şeyler söylemek lazım"

"At one time when life was real, your soul was one with my soul:

All we were, open or secret, was part of the same whole.

If “you” and “I” are pronouns I use, they are only terms - -
In truth, there can be no separate you or I at all.
...

It is an enemy of the sun who climbs on the roof,

Covers both his eyes and shouts: “Look, the sun is dead and gone!”

How lovely to halt and rest – and then to go on your way,

Not frozen nor muddled, to stay fresh by flowing away.

Yesterday is past and gone – so are your words of yesterday:

How lovely to find for each new day something fresh to say.

I took a vow that so long as life does not fade away

From my heart, I shall stay on the straight path and never stray;

But then I looked to my right and to my left - - and I saw

My beloved right and left - - left and right - - every which way."

RUMI
from Ruabiyat

translated by Prof. Talat SALMAN

Lost or Stolen and Found

2010-01-19T20:57:00.004+02:00

I lost my favorite black bag in a mall today. I tried to figure out where it could be gone, checked all the stores and thought it could be stolen but I was not upset enough.
Since childhood, I had this weird religion in me that I was the only member in which I was making a deal, a sacrifice. In Turkey when children loose a belonging they look for it singing a song that tells

"Satan took it away

Could not sell it
Brought it back"
So if I was in not finding my thing, then I was negotiating with Satan and at the end I was ending up with the deal in such a way that I was totally convinced that I sacrificed and not lost the thing, for a better finding, a more beloved belonging such as my siblings.

Tonight was a hard evening, trying to get home under the snow. I had the same feeling, but I did not know what I would get back instead.

I have just hang up the phone now with someone I was searching in the internet for years, someone very dear and remarkable in my life: my highschool professor of french litterature. He was the one to tell me in private that I should not be in the sciences section, but in letters instead.
Took me looong to find him back. I haven't heard his voice for 18 years now. He was travelling the world.

I own life so much.. for all that it brings back to me.

For all the unfinished coming near.

ps: He wrote back to me saying:
"Quand tu m'as connu, j'avais 32 ans
J'en ai 50 maintenant..
Je t'embrasse
Yves"
means "when you knew me I was 32, now I am 50". When I met him he was much younger than me now.

Life, beautiful life.. with all the lost or stolen and found.
With all the trees under the snow of winter and those in blossom in summer.

Auntie's Kitchen Table

2010-01-18T00:46:00.004+02:00

Safest, warmest, favorite place on earth at childhood: Auntie's kitchen tables. They lived in several cities, in different homes, but the kitchen tables had the same warmth as her arms and slightly fragrant coat. It always made me happy and safe, there her kitchen table.
I felt the urge to meet together from different cities at auntie's table in Ankara this weekend.

Playing 51(a family classic) as asked.. Laughing, chatting laughing.. forgetting the inevitable anxiety of not having them one day.

Visiting the New Baby !

2010-01-09T22:16:00.004+02:00

There she came earlier than expected - and more than expected..

A new life

Two large eyes to discover the world

Two small hands protected with too large mittens

Wrapped so much

With love

in our world

I whispered Rice that she may like the baby when she grows up,

and who knows one day they may be good friends like us, I said.

like us since we were eleven or so

So welcome baby with no name

to our girl's gang

of 4+Rice = 5

We've been here for more than 27 years together

Books for My Resolutions

2010-01-08T16:27:00.003+02:00

No more clutter in my home !

I am following the book: A Year to an Organized Life.

I have to beat my insuline resistance:

500 Low Carb Recipes

to show you that I am practising:

The Unpotato Salad as given in the book

You will not believe how potato salad and how delicious it is without my beloved potatoes.

The Unpotato Salad

Red onion, diced 1 large

Celery, diced 2 cups

Cauliflower, 1 large cooked, chopped

Eggs, boiled, 4

For the sauce

Mayonnaise

Vinegar

Splenda

Leaving A Year Behind

2010-01-04T14:50:00.004+02:00

My Dear 2009 Calendar,

Such a relief to throw you in the bin.

I know we had few happy moments together

but admit it, you've been such a challenge(a.h.):

Learned about loosing my job in February,

Broke up with boyfriend in March,

Had debts to keep my first home.

Well ok, you made me write more,

you made me publish,

you gave me this blog.

But, did you really have to make your very last move

by giving me the last day of December

where I learned that I have a insuline resistance?

Come on ! I am so happy to leave you.

Dear Sweet Calendars of 2010,

Most of you are gifts.

I have been waiting to fill your white pages

open your brand new, shiny covers.

You have been so promising through the words of Susan Miller.

Let the Pisces year begin !

Here are my new year's resolutions:

1- Use all your body creams in the bathroom

and in the bedroom on daily basis and not every 6 months.

2- Brush your teeth 2 times a day

3- Gather all your money left in one bank and invest

4- Start your low carb diet

5- Walk at least 20 mn a day, preferably in the mornings

6- Sell TelcoAnalytics

7- Bring your ex CRM project team together on a dinner.

8- Have your dream birthday party with friends

9- Empty your wardrobe

and give away the clothes and accessories that are not exciting anymore

10- The chosen challenge of the year is Blind Dates.

Every year I do one thing that I would think I would never do:

So far, I ate liver for a year, dyed my hair and became a false blonde in another, used colored contacts for another year.. a very good habit to make you enlarge your borders

The Day After The New Year's Eve Party

2010-01-02T14:07:00.004+02:00

Oh, it has been a beautiful sunny, morning with loads of rest after the new year's eve celebration of ours

What party?

First: it is a FUNNY tradition to wear red underwear at new year's eve..

Second: Feels SO GOOD to be brave as a Turk to dance all night

Third: To share a beautiful table with all the good foood from the participants

Fourth : VERY GLORIOUS to push your very ill friends to join you, to get them up and running for the celebration

This is us pausing with our security guy waiting for our cab..

but feels SO SILLY to cause them more fever the day after

Anyways..

We wish you a happy new year from our home !

Saving the World With a Sweet Soup - עשוראא

2009-12-29T15:31:00.008+02:00

It is believed that Noah, on his cruise to save the living, cooked Ashura with the left ingredients in the ship: wheat, sugar, rice, chick peas, beans, nuts, dried fruits.. A mixture that could be brought together after any disaster on my beautiful fruitful land of Anatolia.

For the rememberance, every year, there is a fixed Ashura day where the pudding like dessert is cooked and shared with neighbours, friends and family around here. The date is the 26,27th of December according to the Greagorian calendar and according to the lunar muslim calendar, on the 10th day of Muharrem, hence the name Ashura which means 10th in arabic. I like the armenian meaning of the name which is the "sweet soup".

This is my Jo's favorite sweet in Turkey and thus I have put the hebrew name in the title as a personalized gift.

And am sharing the recipe as promised to Jo !

Last year I cooked Ashura for the first time when I first moved in to my flat for the sweet traditional thought that "Ashura brings wealth to home" with its big variety of ingredients, every basic ingredient in your home. Do not worry if you dont have nuts or dreid fruits, try substitutes.

The recipe I am sharing is a modified version from my favorite traditional cook Umit Usta's Agiz Tadiyla book that I strongly recommend. You will need:

wheat, 2 cups

rice, 1 cup

chickpeas, 1 cup if dried, if cooked almost 3 cups

beans, 1 cup if dried, 3 if cooked

sugar, 5 cups

wheat starch, 1/3rd cup

milk(to whiten), 3 cups

hazelnuts, 1 cup

walnuts, 2 cups

dried figs, 10 of them

dried apricots, 10 of them(could be related to the date 10th of muharrem :)

dried raisins, 1/3 cup

almonds, 1/2 cup ( I put more)

cinnamon, 1/2 teaspoon

cloves, 5 of them

butter, 1 Tablespoon

rosewater (optional) , 1/3 cup ..or any aroma like vanilla with its own amount

I love the making, with sweet memories of my first cooking times guide Umit Usta's serials on tv.

Messages: to Jo- come to pick yours up which is the one in the white bowl, I will keep it for 3 more days for you in the fridge. to Ali- Yours is the pink one behind Jo's, thank you for sharing your home with crazy&drunk strangers. To Serkan&Inci: the biggest one on the first row thanks for this lovely presence in my home this year. to Oguz- for being so tolerant and giving to me.

The Making:

DON'T GIVE UP STIRRING the soup all the time..

1-Soak nuts and almonda from the night before toIf the beans and chickpeas are dried ones, soak them from the night before(for about 8 hours or so), then change the water and cook them separately.

2- If you will use cooked beans and chickpeas, soak the wheat from the night before, cook it well without changing the soaking water(it contains a natural starch that you will need).

3- When the wheat is cooked , add the cooked beans and chickpeas and bring to a simmer. then add gradually the sugar. If the sugar is added all in once this will thoughen your beans.

4- Miix the starch with the amount of milk and add it to the soup.The soup must be a dense one but feel free to add some extra water or milk if the cooking water of the wheat has not been enough for all.

5- Add the rose water or your aroma of pğreference. 5- Add all the nuts and dried fruits and spices giving them enough time to the taste wthin the boiling mixture.

6- Last ingredient: add butter.

7- Put them in your designated containers for your very precious neighbours and friends..Share!

And save the world.. Once more..

The Longest Night

2009-12-21T11:40:00.012+02:00

Yesterday night was very cold and rainy. After the concert we had a small chat with our winter tea with friends, then we went to sleep, one on the sofa, the other in my bed with the cats, sis on the other bed.

H fell asleep with Cikolata while we were watching Pink Martini's new DVD. As Thomas was very loud on asking everyone to play with him, I had to hug and caress him to calm him down and let him go to sleep.

But then.. I could not sleep, I was squeezed in the bed between two cats and H, so moved down.

Then.. I realised.. the sounds.. the sounds of my precious ones sleeping in the darkness of the night. Hayreddin snoaring on the sofa downstairs, H's breathing and sleeping like a baby, Cikolata's warmth in bed and Thomas big space, 1/3rd of mine.

I fell asleep contemplating them in the darkness of the night and hearing them all.
In my home. In the longest night.
So has been the winter solstice of 2009. So peaceful and happy.
And I felt just like the star in the song of Pink Martini

I wish a falling star could fall forever

And sparkle through the clouds and stormy weather

And in the darkness of the night

The star would shine a glimmering light

And hover above our love

My biggest lesson in 2009, when you have a home, you'll do whatever you can to keep it. And it will surely be worth..

My WishList 2010

2009-12-14T18:31:00.002+02:00

So this is sincerely my wishlist that may make you laugh.
Why don't you make one? I have just realized that I need less things than I thought. Which made me so thankful for all that I live with.
So my next list will be for the things that I am thankful to have.

Something I learned from Jo

2009-12-06T18:10:00.005+02:00

I remember the first day I met Jo, it was a very serious icy IT meeting that I was late for. She was no-rection face and giving short cold answers. Then I went my way during the meeting and she smiled at me. Thast was it.. She has been another kiner surprise friendship in my life and I love her presence in my life.And her blog on her own japanese garden of course. I am so proud of what she does now. She is changing her carrier. She decided to study gardening and give a less space to our IT world.

Jo is very practical and my inspiration for reading, sewing and knitting. I like the way she is. A tomboy that has such delicate feminine tastes. A kinder surprise as I mentioned and a resourceful person.

So this is what I do for the books I can not afford to buy the hardcover version.

Dunya is One..!

2009-12-01T22:36:00.022+02:00

I met my next door neighbour F on a very hot August afternoon, where after work, I hurried home to catch up with the moving guys. So that was the day where I was officially moving. A very hot busy day where I heard a young pregnant woman screaming on the phone to the plumber(a dodgy guy that left the job undone and was asking for more money). That was F, pregnant of Dunya.
So I invited her in and offered her a glass of water and tried to calm her down while the moving guys were carrying my wardrobe upstairs and my exboyfriend was watching them over.
A very hot busy day.. A special day to me.
Today, 1st of December 2009 is the day where Dunya is one year old. His first birthday.
That means a lot to me so I publish here my favorite photo of him taken a few weeks ago when they popped in for a morning coffee.
You can see why he is my mother's favorite.

A Place I Always Like to Be: Colmar

2009-11-29T21:47:00.001+02:00

Colmar is a beautiful city and a christmas wonderland with its 4 large christmas markets.

It is halfway between Basel and Strasbourg, approx. 1 hour by train which costs 20 Euros with return.

Strasbourg is Sad When You Are Sad

2009-11-28T10:32:00.020+02:00

Strasbourg is confused when you are confused

Strasbourg is humanless when you are alone

Strasbourg is weary when you are weary

P had a phone call from Turkey aand tears rolled down her rosy cheeks after the crispy morning's shower : grandma passed away and P couldn't attend to the funeral since her papers were not ready.

Keylimiz - Our Kehl

2009-11-27T16:49:00.003+02:00

I can not deny it I am in love with this bakery in Kehl and so fond of those cookies especially those star cookies (étoiles glacées). Look at that holy light coming from the doughnuts..

Strasburgumuz - Our Strasbourg

2009-11-26T23:45:00.049+02:00

In one of my flights to P, in the plane, I met this very interesting Turkish lady from the South who had to escape to France as a political refugee with her husband where she started from scratch a new life. She was back to Turkey too attend a funeral after almost 20 years. She told me about the story of her brother-in-law who was killed in a political manifestation and after visiting the country at the end of thosse 20 years, she sadly looked at me and told me with her deeply watered eyes that all those political battle was in vain, all that they have lost, all that has been deyed was so in vain, that war of those times, brother killing brother was such an absurd act.

And as we landed at Basel-Mullhouse airport, she had a joy unpredicted by me and inhaled and said "here we arrived at our Switzerland !"

Well, she was exiled and had "their" Switzerland.

After this unusual flight friendship, P whose husband and both herself lawyers for human rights, P and I, named each of our places "our"s: our France, our Strasbourg, our Monoprix, our Tarabya, our Bakifkoy, our Alsace, our Kiziltoprak, our Migros, our Kookai..

So here we are in our Strasbourg chatting and laughing likeanytime we are lucky to come together, anywhere on "our" Earth.

in our streets and in our cafes..

as long as we are free and have each other.

anywhere on "our" earth

On the Road Again

2009-11-26T00:26:00.002+02:00

After coming back from Greece I slept for 12 hours than was awake for 2 hours and slept back for another 10.
And had to prepare my luggage in a couple of days to head for my P and lovely husband's new apartment, 5 mn from the EU building.

Well, need to make a correction. I had to prepare my luggage in the curious company of Thomas of course.

Well, one may be surprised on how much a woman would need for a holiday of 5 days only.

Back to my Greece For A Day

2009-11-22T10:45:00.004+02:00

I had to go to Greece for one day only :(
Well, everything was just as I left it only with a cooler weather, the cafes, the ouzerias, my favorite bus drivers, all elenis, all thakis, my lovely home store owners, just my favorite restaurant was in renovation and closed but our lady in the kiosk never deceives me, she was there too.And she waved his hand and laughed to invite me closer after taking this photo and offered me 4 happydent chewing gum as an good old friend gift although we couldn't understand each other's language and none of our words. She knows.. that I am so much into her and so many things about this lovely little town.

A new discovery has been Kratas though in the bakery where I was waiting for my bus. Oh, I was delighted by the softness of the outer shell and the aroma of the inner side and tried to understand what it was inside. The ladies in the shop who happened to be very serious in the beginning laughed at my interest and surprise in Kratas. Although language was not a way to communicate, they were able to explain me that they were rose "lokoumis"(delights) that they wrap in the delicious soft dough prepared probably with butter and nuts. Oh, my!

I bought some rose delights from the shop and will try to find the recipe in the internet somehow.

A Home Was Her Dream

2009-11-01T23:01:00.005+02:00

Everything began I guess the night we were out for a party and I didin't realise how much she could be drunk. Well that night she was... really drunk.. I mean she was there, she fell to the next door roof to the bar we were in, there was the traffic police on our way home and she was even funny to the policeman although she was not the driver.
Anyway, the next mourning she was- we were- feeling miserable. So much that she must have resulted to change her life and to transform it to what she really would like to have : a home.
Yes, she rented her own place. A brand new studio that she turned to a beatiful colorful bird nest.
So, these are the photos of the first days..

Stanno Tutti Bene*

2009-10-27T19:04:00.005+02:00

Stanno Tutti Bene - Everybody's Fine was the title of the beautiful movie by the italian director Tornatore where the old Marcello Mastroianni visits all his children in their homes all around the country and worries for their lives in modern Italy but results at the end of the movie that everybody's fine.

So we are all fine.. At the end..

After long hours of pain, worries, waiting..

...of good wishes(the bouquet was a gift by my favorite gardener on earth which is our building's gardener)

reading, resting..
and reading, resting again..
..we are all fine and back to normal now(almost- chiko still has some abnormal allure).
The thing is, after the chico disaster, there has been this scary virus in my computer(even between system files) and I lost the connection cable to my camera which caused the lateness of the post that will follow this one will be entered now but dated with the original dates of the photos.
Good to be back onthis screen!

How to Prepare an "Open Tummy"

2009-10-24T19:31:00.001+03:00

Karni Yarik (Open Tummy) is one of Mom's favorite dishes and I decided to share the way I prepare it with you on a saturday morning where Ayshe woke us early up to start cleaning the home.
Karniyarik is a meaty aubergine dish which I think tastes typical mediterranean cuisine. So the tummy we are talking about here is belongs to the aubergines :)

Well these pictures were taken in the vacuuming noise of Ayse which was happy at the end with the good lunch she had after then and enjoyed the talk with my sister and Pelin who would come over for lunch. They were all delighted with the delicious smell of the karniyarik and borek(pastry) in the oven.
As you can see, I first peeled the aaubergines in pyjamas and ripped all along the long axis.
then fried them in 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil

and then I filled them with the cooked mixture of minced meat, salt, black pepper, oignons, garlic, finely chopped ripe tomatoes, and peppers

garnished hem with sliced green peppers, addd some diluated tomato sauce and put them in the 175 degrees Celcius oven.
Waited until the green peppers looked roasted and delicious (about 45 minutes).
Which tasted great..!
So you will need for 6 large aubergines;
vegetable oil -2 tablespoons
minced meat - 300 gr
green peppers - 2 to garnish, 2 for the cooked filling
2 large ripe tomatoes or 2 tablespoons of tomato paste
oignons -1 and a half if medium/large, 2 and a half if small
garlic - 4 cloves
tomato paste - 2 tablespoon for thje sauce diluated with 3/4 cup of water
salt, pepper
To prepare the filling first sautee the chopped green peppers oignons and garlic then add the meat. When the meat looses its pink color add chopped tomatoes, salt, black pepper. Cook for about 15 minutes.
Afiyet Olsun!(bon apetit)

Her Home, Our Breakfast, Saturday and Others

2009-10-17T21:14:00.002+03:00

We've been lucky.. to share a rainy saturday's beautiful breakfast..

and laughters..

.. having been given the days to hold each other's babies hands, diseases, husbands, sorrow, worries, bliss, crisis, ..sundays, saturdays, mondays, wednesdays, tuesdays, thursdays, fridays.

We were lucky having days like this and having each other.
It was a beatiful saturday at her home,
like many days,
together.

Chocolate Fell Down

2009-10-09T11:22:00.007+03:00

Do you have your big own pleasures taking you away from the ones that love you? Do you have.. like.. addictions.. for adrenaline, sex, alcohol, speed, drugs ?

Did you ever love someone that you knew you have to let him be the way he is and just kept on loving even when love aches and breaks your each part?

Or have you been of those that were blamed on not letting them be despite the thread?

Yesterday when I was serving dinner for my friend I and his lovely daughter Asya, Chikolata(means Chocolate in turkish) disappeared. Asya(6) tried to relieve me that he was walking outside the window.

How he loves to do that.. This challenge, this wind on his face. Smelling the pine woods and watching the bugs and birds flying around.
I could not take this from him. But I always have been careful and watched him over as he went outside the window.

Well.. yesterday night he was not there anymore. At the end, I found him under a pine tree in the garden. He fell down from the 5th floor! No wounds but 2 legs seriously injured and I am watching him over for he is under the risk of inner hemorrage and he must have hit his head and neck as well which scares me even more.

Chocolate has been my companion for almost 5 years now. The photo above is from his early times where he was left to me by my mother and family members as they were going all on holiday. Initially he was my mother's choice despite my cat allergies. We were living together then. After those times where everybody left for holidays, we were together and alone. That is how we had this bond. He became my tiger, my baby and my soulful companion through the years and through hard days and nights.

Two years ago he saved Thomas' life when Thomas was 3 weeks old and left by his mother to death. He warmed him and licked him, played with him and educated him through the domestic life.

Our home is silent now. I tried to keep my self awake through the night and watched Chocolate's chest. We are waiting for the critical first 3 days to be over.Yesterday Asya smoothed me with her beautiful smile saying: "Thank God we were here Dad"
So true..

Do you know the pain of ..
Did you ever love and had to let him go to let him be?

A Crispy Morning Towards the Office

2009-10-07T20:48:00.002+03:00

From Pelin's I headed my way from the Anatolian side towards the office:

passed by the park

took the bus

crossed the bridge..

arrived at the terminus

took the stairs..

came out ..

contemplated the traffic ..

arrived at the office,

wondering about what to plan for the coming holiday break

The Mercedes I Loved

2009-10-06T18:05:00.026+03:00

Before I was 5, I had this nickname Mercedes from my father's driver Sherif Abi where as my older sister was nicknamed Anadol. Although sis and I, we did not know why those names were given, we both loved our nicknames each.

Well, at those days, Mercedes was the best car for Sherif Abi, and Anadol, a national ordinary car. Now I understand that it must have been a delicate way of having a favorite one :)

I have never been into cars but I kept the sweet memories of the dusty town I grew up, the light green mercedes parked in front of our apartment and my soulful Sherif Abi that I currently have the chance to occasionally see at family funerals, holidays or happy gatherings. I see Life passing through us, our hair, our skin, our glances, our postures,.. our smiles. I watch Life do sweetly, slowly sometimes swiftly what it does to all if given a chance.

Thanks
to Life,
to Mercedes Sosa (who passed away the day before yesterday) and to B that I always loved that I first heard this beautiful song from..

Click here to see the video and to listen:

Thanks to Life

By Violeta Parra

Thanks to Life that gave me so much

Gave me two bright stars,

when I open themI perfectly distinguish

the black from the white

And the starred background of the high sky

And in the crowds the man I love.

Thanks to Life that game me so much,

Gave me the hearing which in all its width

Night and day captures the cricket and the canary,

Hammers, turbines, barks and squalls

And the tender voice of my beloved.

Thanks to Life that gave me so much

Gave me the sound and the alphabet,

And along the words I think and declare:

Mother, Friend, Brother, and Light illuminating

The way to the soul of whom I loved.

Thanks to Life that gave me so much,

Gave me the march of my tired feet,

With them I walked cities and ponds,

Beaches and deserts, mountains and plains,

And the house of yours, your street and your backyard.

Thanks to Life that gave me so much,

Gave me a heart that flutters in its cage

When I see the fruit of the human brain,

When I see the good, so far from the bad,

When I see the bottom of your light eyes.

Thanks to Life that gave me so much,

Gave me the laughter and gave me the crying,

Thus I can distingish joy and sadness,

The two materials of which my song is made,

And the song of yours that is the same,

And the song of all, which is my own song

These are the photos of Biffy and I, taken each year at the doorway of Malcolm. Biffy was our imaginary dog with an ex-lover, the son of Malcolm. Biffy was in our dreams of our life together along with our imaginary daughter Lilly and our imaginary friend Shui.

This dog just the dog we have imagined years, years ago came to visit me every year whenever I went down to visit Malcolm. So I knew it was Biffy. The real Biffy.

And above is Malcolm's favorite tree: a huge eucaliptus tree and if you pay enough attention, you can see me hugging it down below.

Forgive me real Mercedes and real Violeta for forgetting lately about being thankful to life for the men I loved.

My heart aches still for each of them.. Deeply, nobly, quietly.

Faithfully.

For they had been my homes in time.

Do you have a favorite street that leads to your lover, to his backyard, to his house?

Are you thanking to Life?

Take it easy babe..

2009-10-05T22:20:00.000+03:00

It's been a hard day's night.. or it's been a hard night's day.. Yeah better this way.
Well we went to this "farewell to the summer and to Murat" party. Well Murat being a lovely collegue at my previous office who departs for his military service soon.
Anyway.. it has been quite a party.. A night that ended.. actually it didn't end, I had to watch H over that had the most terrible drunkness and hangover ever. I mean have you seen someone suffacating in her sleep since she is asleep but still going on with the vomiting process with the 4th session.

So here we are back in peace, cats and everyone, me on the knees of a dear friend, taking pictures, recovering from our hillarious but very tiring night.

A good confession: Yesterday, at the party, I envied the couples I saw after months. That endured the crisis, the mass layoffs and all.. I was tired before all drunkness and hangover story

So "take it easy babe..".
This is what we shall tell our selves during recovery, right?

To Fulfill and To Fill In

2009-10-03T10:57:00.000+03:00

Here is another peaceful sunny day, another day after the friends are gone.
Friends - Guests to fullfil and to fill in my home

LoveBirds Around the City

2009-10-03T09:20:00.002+03:00

M from my posts in Bahrain came to visit Istanbul.

After my glucose high ramadan bayram, I went on enjoying the sweets.

I must stop somewhere.

2009-09-11T12:33:00.006+03:00

The Piano Speaks

by Sandra BEASLEY

For an hour I forgot my fat self,

my neurotic innards, my addiction to alignment.

For an hour I forgot my fear of rain.

For an hour I was a salamander

shimmying through the kelp in search of shore,

and under his fingers the notes slid loose

from my belly in a long jellyrope of eggs

that took root in the mud. And what

would hatch, I did not know—

a lie. A waltz. An apostle of glass.

For an hour I stood on two legs

and ran. For an hour I panted and galloped.

For an hour I was a maple tree,

and under the summer of his fingers

the notes seeded and winged away

in the clutch of small, elegant helicopters.

Didem's Photography - Away From Home

2009-09-04T14:43:00.007+03:00

Didem is a sweet classmate of mine from secondary school. She is this unexplicable combination of funny(very funny), gorgeous and experimental.

She has been a writer for Marie-Claire Turkey and many others, a passionate rally fan and now a talented photographer. She is away from home, actually found home away from us in England. I liked her web site and pictures reflecting her happiness of exploration.

So these are all her photos. And for the first time in my blog, photos that are not taken by me. You can treasure her in didem's photography web page.

And this way you may give a break with my ugly photography lately due to my adaptation period to my new camera.

Holiday Plans

2009-09-04T14:10:00.006+03:00

There they are, making holiday plans, on my bed..
And I can not go anywhere. I have just started a new job and have to stay here.
But..
Just realized that there will be oficially 4 days off each month starting with september till the end of the year.
So I will make mines while, probably, Thomas will be biting my toes gently in the warmth of the same bed and while, probably, they will be exploring the undersea treasures in Kaş. Very probably.

And this is called staying at home. Really.

To Julochka From Our Home ..

2009-08-28T22:05:00.009+03:00

Dear Julochka;

We like to watch her supernatural efforts to knit her huge alpaca cardigan in her bedroom's August heat, in the dim light with the soft songs of the radio.

Isn't she sweet? As pure as snow just like her name implies..

Home is clean now. The carpets and the fridge sent by her mother are settled now. So the clutter was hers. And not ours Julotchka! We may give love bites on each others backs, we may race at nights, break beatiful candleholders, frames, burners, plates, vases or dig the soil out of the pots, eat her plants, drink from the kitchen tab when she is not around but no Juloschka, no that mess, those folded carpets, those mirrors, that mess was not ours ! We may just take the pleasure of scratch tha carpets but no.. we have nothing to do with this mess, with her mother obsessed by her having cold bear foot on the floor.

That would just be unfair..

We are just two serene creatures. Godsends.. We are the peace on earth..

Yours,

Thomas and Chico

And one more thing by the way..

Although she doesn't know what what we do when she is gone, we know more about her life out.

We know her enthousiasm to attend her Project Management Professional certificate preparation course despite her achy itchy eyes with Chico's eternal conjuctivitis (she shouldn't try that hard to cure cats eyes)

or which favorite breakfast she had for instance, this morning

Or her favorite fairy tale(Snow Queen of course!), or and thus her dream land (Scandinavia) or that she is in rage of not being able to Sweden while her best friend is visiting Stocholm for a family wedding right now..

We know more and we are more Julochka.

Loves from this side of the earth,

On the Way Home

2009-08-28T01:25:00.005+03:00

Today,

on my way home I heard something beautiful, I stopped by and tasted the moment.. I listened to the whispers of the pine trees' leaves in the beautiful summer evening

"I am the Eye
I am the Light
I am the new limit in the sky

I am the water in the glass
I am the water in the sea
I am tree and I am grass
I am the generation ‘C’

I am the Queen, I am the King
I am the holder of the Ring
I have power in my fists
I know no fear: I took all risks

I am the one who couldn’t wait any longer
I am the imaginary number
I am the new one in the band...
I am big
I am small...
I can’t wait to hold your hand
∞ "

Today ,
has been Maya STEINS' first day out on earth.
The little sweet poem above is written by "Mr. Father" on the occasion of the baby annnouncement. I just loved it and wanted share it with you.
Welcome to our Planet Maya where away from the plazas, trees whisper on the way back home, if you have time to listen.
And I just love it Maya.
Hope you will too..
ps: can't wait to hold your hand!

Let There Be Cleaning !

2009-08-27T11:09:00.003+03:00

While I'm gone..

Don't Kill the Birthday Girl *

2009-08-26T14:32:00.009+03:00

H told me that she doesn't feel like a birthday dinner with all friends around. She said she just wants to go to the fair-ground with me and my sister and her recently made 3 friends that she knew through my sister. So we did it that way.
This is H on her last birthday on the 8th of August. We had great fun. So much that I lost my voice for 3 days that followed.

The other day when I stayed over at her place, I woke up before her. As I didn't want to disturb, I decided to quietly leave the appartment. I looked at her in her sleep. And I felt compassion. Now that she was quiet, now that she was gone to far countries on the deep sleep map, now that she was quiete, I could let my self speak the truth and not to celebrate or cheer up anymore.

I felt compassion for her broken little heart full of colors, ready to make dreams all the time, her constant belief in happiness..
For what she went through was hard to see the close ones on her birthday.
For it was closeness that hurt her colorful mocking bird lately.
I left the appartment in the silence of knowing these. The silence underneath our fair-ground joy.

* Don't Kill the Birthday Girl: Tales From An Allergic Life is the beautiful title of the forthcoming memoir of Sandra BEASLEY that I am looking forward to read soon

It's raining cats and dogs in August

2009-08-07T13:34:00.004+03:00

I was dressing up this morning after having put my Rumeur from Lanvin. I heard the sudden rain. Raining cats and dogs. We watched it with Chico for awhile. It is very unusual for an Istanbul summer. We loved it.

I loved the idea of looking for my raincoat as well. Then put on my new Lady Bug lipstick from Mac.
But it was hard to leave them behind to go to the office.. I wonder what they do in the empty appartment when I am gone

My Sunday Rest

2009-08-02T16:06:00.002+03:00

I am studying to get the project management certificate with my new glasses that ı bought as a reward the day ı got my new salary. I am happy I will soon be attending classes of PMP, the exam already seems to be a bit difficult.

Even Barbie..

2009-07-28T21:00:00.002+03:00

What I like About My New Job

2009-07-27T08:33:00.004+03:00

This little alley and the branches leaning on the passengers in a hurry

The green door of my office, my cool coke zero in the fridge, what I am doing here and the empty feeling and of course the air conditionner(worshipping it in fact)

Most of all, this feeling of being into something quite new..

Do Talk To Strangers

2009-07-20T20:39:00.007+03:00

What can one do with PO SE LENE phrase?

Po se lene means what is your name in greek.

The fisherman in the early morning I was leaving the city.

Sonia and my Theodora.. my sweet Theodora, I met her in the church, oh how I love her, she gave me warm hugs and she brought me fruits and home made cookies to my hotel room the next day. And a special gift from her bedside table.

And Sonia, I heard her calling my name and waving me when I was leaving the hotel.

Maria the pretty poet

Eleni the architect at the very left, Kiki at the very right, we met while waiting for the bus..

Oh those handsome bus drivers of Alexandropolis.. always very nice with you. This is Stelio, one of my favorites. Great guy, standing my crazy attitude. He even let me publish this.

These are my friends in the bus, from left to right Eleni, Nectaria. As I couldn't go to the covent to buy my broken bracelet Nectaria promessed me to buy it for me and send it over to Istanbul

Singing With My Brother

2009-07-20T01:21:00.002+03:00

I made a long way to the summerhouse outside the city to visit my parents. My father was happy to see me. He showed me the new terrace, we sat down there outside in our old bamboo bench forgotten in the rain. We chit chat than shared a peaceful moment of silence, staring at the view. I thought of my old days there, my teenage summers, the evening falling with my opera arias in the radio, the breeze from the open balcony, my water colour painting. I tried to avoid looking in the balconies of the neighbours that passed away. I wanted to be there, timeless, with my father. He asked me: " Are you bored?". I said: "No".

Getting ready to drive back, my brother called me saying he wanted to show me something. We went to the car and he played a tune there in silence. Beatiful lyrics and a naive melody, then I heard his voice accompanying the very famous singer, very excited, I turned and asked him whether it was his lyrics. In fact the song was his. I envied him.We had the same faith lately with my brother, work problems and a broken heart. Last time I saw him he was crying all the time.And now, I found him having lost more weight than I had. Every member of the family was critisizing him lately of misbehaving. He has always been less for life, for guarantees, for conventions. But the song was so beautiful..I, who have been among the gang to critisize, melted. Melted in the song. In what he has done of his awful mornings. In what I decided to stop in my life: this pain for two carried by one....From Greece, I was back with cds of Xaris Alexiou, Antonys Remos and Marinella. I was thinking of how it would be hearing them live. This morning, I saw in the newspapers that Xaris Alexiou will join Yeni Turku in their 30th anniersary concert tonight in the openair theater of the city. Well I was more than lucky. My brother had tickets and we were delighted to have back our songs of the 80s, 90s, the ornamented songs of Yeni Turku. At the end of the concert, was my dream come true: Xaris Alexiou on the stage.

I had a priceless day in the time machine.With my brother..

On our way home, I learned that he was working on a screenplay and that the song he composed would be the title song for the movie. I asked the title: "Men Cry As Well"

Back to Work

2009-07-19T20:05:00.000+03:00

I got up, went to the bathroom. Opened my eyes and saw what I have achieved: I still have a home.
I dressed upPut on my fragrance and make-up. And when I left home, I was sorry for my cats but when I heard my high heels clacking in th doorway, I felt.. happy..regained.. back!
Hande, Pelin, Oya, Gokhan, my mother and my sister were the ones that were physically with me in these awful days in the flat. Graces of my life.. I have always been grateful for them.
I saw him in my dream last night he saw me and ignored me in the crowd, I saw his hand dyed with henna.he is getting married with someone else now.And I thought when ı was looking in the mirror this morning putting my mascara on, how happy I was and how would it be for us, if he would have stayed with me, with which with bond we would have been attached forever through the days we would have been through.
The unique truth now is that I am here sitting in a cafe with the other plaza workers, waiting for the office to be opened, knowing well the grace, the grace of my precious ones. And not being able to have my tea and my pastry, I am so used to home made food now, must have lost the habit of cafe food somewhere..
I have just called mom and thanked her. She said that I was a strong girl and that there will be harder days in life.
At the end of my first day at work after 5,5 months, happily I left the office.
Walking down the street with bankers, asked my self what differs today from the others, what have I had now, the prompt answer : My Rails !

Reckoned Me

2009-07-18T12:35:00.005+03:00

Back

2009-07-14T07:08:00.001+03:00

Here I am back in Alexandroupolis. I have been introduced to the place by my ex and have been here 3 times with him. I am now here to rewind and erase him from those memories , to take back what will be left of him. An spritual sharing of goods in an emotional divorce

With this better reason than the Great ALexander, I came to conqueer the city of Alexandroupolis and a small town called Makri, my small church in Agia Paraskevi, our hotel room, Kathy, our greek speaking tv, Anthony Remos, Marinella, the small monastery, my bracelet from the monastery that broke up the day he broke up with me, our small restaurant in town, our wine, our grilled calamary..

But I am having more than this..

Getting Away

2009-07-13T01:42:00.001+03:00

Getting away, meter by meter, swimming in the sky,

flying above the sunflower fields ..

Getting there..

The sunflower fields reminded me the old song of YeniTurku with the beatiful lyrics of Murathan Mungan

Let the windows open

Let it rain at night

Let our sunflower dreams

Be soaked with the sound of the rain

We used to be kids

We used to be bright stars then

Although we can not return to back then

We have the springs that we ran after

Constantinopolis-Alexandropoulis (Istanbul-Dedeagac) 6 hours of a very pleasant journey with Varan Setra buses with a break in Tekirdag having the famous meatball lunch, costs you 60YTL(around 30 Euros) with return.

Ba-Bye Home !

2009-07-12T22:01:00.002+03:00

I have a new job !

2009-07-12T10:08:00.001+03:00

On the 5th of March, 2 days before my birthday, I lost my job in the economical crisis. At the very same day, my significant other dissappeared. The addiction took him over, took him away from me.
I was told first that it was not a seperation then knew it was so. There are more than one reason in such acts but I know it well that if I would not loose my job, this wouldn't happen there.

Having lost my job and my love, I had my family, friends, my health left, with the risk of moving out of my home that has been my dream for years. I was blessed by having the best landlord ever that consolated me and told me he doesn't need that money of the rent until I will arrange something.

I spent 4,5 months job hunting, staring at the ceiling, trying to find a solution and understand all this.

A month ago I saw this on a mall's entrance, stopped, stared at it and smiled..

It says : "DON'T LET ANYONE LOOSE THEIR JOB
If we stop shopping, he will loose his job !
It is the production, recruitment, consuming that keep economy up.
The economy in fact dies if it stops.
We will not surrender to the crisis!
We will go out to the market place, we will choose the one that carries Turkey's work!

We will support our country
Let the unemployed find back jobs, the ones that lost their jobs be back to their work, don 't let the shutters be locked forever!
Come on Turkey, first to produce then to consume what you have produced!

Lest Turkey smile!
If there is crisis, there is also solution."

This photo was taken on 7th of March. The day I felt the most miserable on earth. I thought about it and I mean it.
There was a dinner with my 27 years long girls gang, their husbands and my family. The boyfriend did not show up.

This photo means a lot to me.

This photo and the days I lived in the last 5 months I lived..And the ceiling of my living room.

This photo will explain the meaning of the photo in my previous post.

And what these girls mean to me.. As if I was a tree and they were my leaves.
I would have cold and would feel naked as a tree in the winter season.

I am starting my new work on Monday !..

A Very Special Celebration

2009-07-11T19:59:00.001+03:00

Her pregnancy and my new job..

Sour Cherry Madness - My First Jam !

2009-07-04T12:44:00.001+03:00

Oya just moved to her dream house. A beautiful house with a beatiful old garden with fruit trees. She was so generous about sharing half of her sour cherry harvest with me and a great family dinner and a breakfast in the garden with the girls and her mother who cooked the breakfast jam the night before.
Having learned the technique from her mother I took the boat to come home and dreaming of cooking my first jam today. I invented my own recipe combining the basic technique of cooking jam with my previous sour cherry brandy experience. Here is my recipe:

Sour Cherry Jam My Way

Ingredients:
Sour Cherries 1 kg
Caster Sugar 1 kg
Lemon juice 3/4 of a juicy lemon
Ground Cinnamon 1/4 teaspoon
Ground Nutmeg 1/4 teaspoon
Ground Cardamom 1/4 teaspoon
Butter 1 tablespoon

1- Wash the sour cherries, remove the stems and pit them. Pitting them will let the juice out in the sun.
2- Put them in a casserole with a lid, covering the whole fruits with caster sugar.
3- Leave the covered casserole in the sun for 6 hours. This helps to take the juice out of the fruits and melt the flavor with the sugar.
4- Boil the mixture adding the spices. Once boiled, cook for more 30 minutes in low heat
5- Add the butter give it a good stir.
6- Add the lemon juice and cook for the last 3 minutes.
7- Remove it from the heat and wait till it cools down to put it to your jars. To my experience, the mixture thickened more after waiting over night in the jars and was the most delcious jam I have ever tasted.

Now for my sour cherry brandy I use same ingredients apart from lemon juice and butter. After waiting for 12 hours in the sun. I add the spices but this time I do not use ground spices but the cinnamon sticks and nutmeg nuts for instance. I bring the mixture to a boil then let it cool down and add brandy - half of the amount of the sour cherry syrup. If you obtained 1 liter of syrup for instance, you will need 500 ml of brandy. I put the drink in my favorite bottles and let them in a cool place for at least one month then serve my beatiful drink to my joyful guests.

I learned the recipe of the Sour Cherry Brandy from Ilhan Eksen's beautiful small book "Multicultural Istanbul Cuisine - Cok Kulturlu Istanbul Mutfagi" where you will find the very old generation of Istanbul from different cultures(jews, muslims, greeks, ottomans..) racounting their childhood days in Istanbul and telling about the food and drinks of the occasions.

The jars by the window and on the photo above are for the Sour Cherry Liquerfrom the same book where you put the whole ingredients in jars -without pitting or boiling them and let them under the sun for 2,5 months then add alcohol and water to the jars, you find the details in the book.

Growing - Making Life A Home

2009-06-23T09:43:00.003+03:00

These are Zeynep and Ali on their 1st birthday on Saturday. It was a lovely day to see how wonderful life is just like in the beautiful lyrics of What A Wonderful World by Bob Thiele and George David Weiss

I had this in an email from my amazing friend Can lately
Written By Regina Brett, 50 years old, from The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio : Regina Brett's 45 life lessons and 5 to grow on Sunday May 28, 2006, 10:13 AM To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift

From What A Wonderful World by Bob Thiele and George David Weiss

I hear babies cryin', I watch them grow

They'll learn much more than I'll ever know

And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

The colours of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces of people going by

I see friends shakin' hands, sayin' "How do you do?"

They're really saying "I love you"

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Enjoy Life

2009-06-16T08:58:00.001+03:00

One more Monday to Kadikoy innounded by the waters of Bosphorus, Istanbul skylinea pinch of old,

a pinch of more..

Once more, tattoos in the ferry will tell..